Category: Humour

Quotes That Made Me Laugh #63

It’s been a while…

…since I posted a quote that made be laugh, so here’s one that made be laugh out loud earlier today…

Every now and then you read a newspaper article that is best described as a feelgood piece. Today’s Graun had such a tale relating to a record-breaking film extra, or ‘background artist’ as they are apparently known.

Jill Goldston, for it is she, is now a Guinness world record holder after appearing as an uncredited artist in, at the time of writing, 1951 films. We know the number because her husband, an accountant to whom she has been married for 60 years kept, well, an account of them.

You can read the full article here, but the quote that made me laugh came where the journalist who interviewed her congratulated her on her 60th wedding anniversary. Her reply made me snort-laugh and spill my coffee:

“I think it shows a lack of imagination, actually.”

And there it was… Gone!

So it came to pass…

My dog, @calliebordeaux, nicked half a roast beef joint a couple of days ago and made short work of eating it all before anyone noticed.

I was a bit concerned because the joint had been wrapped in string netting and I wasn’t sure whether it would ‘pass’ naturally. (I’ve watched too many vet programmes in which dogs have had things they’d eaten surgically removed!)

And would madam like dessert?

I needn’t have worried. The first ‘morning after’ poop made it look as if Callie needed to be wormed as a few little bits of nematode-like string were apparent. The next ‘episode’ clearly showed the presence of netting – a parcel wrapped stool!

Anyway, it spawned a bonus limerick:

The roast that my dog ate was wrapped
In netting and quite neatly packed,
But the string made me fret
Should I call out the vet
Or just look for it each time she crapped?

Statements of the Bleedin’ Obvious

Great to see…

… that Emma Raducanu, a young, British, female tennis player has made the final of the US Tennis Open at the age of 18. No surprise, then, that the media is full of it and also speculating on the riches that await her should she keep on progressing up the world rankings.

Nevertheless, I am indebted to ‘Management’ for pointing out Forbes Magazine’s statement of the bleeding obvious that: the nine highest paid female athletes in the world are all women. Who’d have thunk it?

Clearly the Graun has since noticed such inanity as the last three lines of the above have now been edited out of the its web article!

 

 

Quotes that made me laugh #58

Snaughling! 

A nurse in Clydebank, whose car had been wrecked by a drunk driver in between her 12 hour hospital shifts, was clearly moved by the offers of help that she received. Her comments made me laugh out loud just as I was taking a mouthful of tea. Laugh? I discovered a new word #snaughling

“I’m absolutely stunned, I’ve been greeting trying to wipe my snotters up through a mask from all the support.”

#peoplemakeglasgow #glasgowlife

Postscript: I do know that Clydebank is not in Glasgow! The hashtags are intended as generic for the city and the towns and villages in its wider environs. Please send complaints about their use in this context to AA (An@llyRetentivePedants Anonymous) 

Quotes that made me laugh #57

A nose for a good story… 

Not really a quote, but a newspaper headline:

The quote made me laugh, but the associated article had me in hysterics. It’s a long time since I cried laughing, but the guy’s explanation of the timeline of events really did for me and the hospital’s discharge note finished me completely: “Denies other magnets”.

Well worth a read and it’s here.

Meantime, once I’d stopped laughing, it inspired this…

There once was a man of Verona
Who tried hard to cure Corona
The method he chose
Was a magnetic nose
That gave him a repellant persona!

 

 

 

Quotes that made me laugh #56

The first advertisement that I remember was produced when I was seven years old. It was a billboard poster and depicted the Bayeux Tapestry as interpreted by Guinness, with the strapline: Battle of Hastings 1066, Bottle of Guinness 1966. I recall being fascinated by the play on words.

Sometimes, though, adverts can comprise a more soulful message.

Reflecting on the northeast of Scotland’s decadal exposure to dull, overcast and drizzly weather, the Garioch (pronounced Geary) Glazing Company is currently advertising its services on a local radio station, Original 106, with the following gem that made me laugh.

… and remember, dreich weather ayeways looks better through a Garioch Glazing window.

Only in the northeast!