LanterneRouge

Occasional Limericks Only #19

A small step for man…

I’m told that to celebrate the life of Bill ‘Bojangles’ Robinson (1878-1949), they (whomsoever ‘they’ are) declared his birthday, today (25 May), to be National Tap Dancing Day.

As there’s no way that I’d post a picture of me tap dancing (try visualising a ‘dad-dancing’ tree trunk), here’s another chance to look at a pic of my tap shoes instead.

My tap shoes – from an old-school B&W analogue photo exhibited at the last Gray’s School of Art ‘short course’ exhibition.

… and here’s the limerick

If you don’t fancy trying ballet
There’s news that I’d like to convey:
Find some music that rocks
And lace up your Blochs
‘Cos it’s National Tap Dancing Day!

Occasional Limericks Only #18

Let’s get fizzical…

Congratulations to Biniam Girmay on his first stage victory in one of cycling’s Grand Tours, the Giro d’Italia.

Unfortunately another ‘first’ came soon after when he cracked open some Italian bubbly on the victor’s podium only to spend several hours in hospital as a result! Sadly, he had to abandon the race as…

The bottle’s seasoned cork
Flew out awry,
Caught him in the eye,
And Biniam bit the dust!

(no prizes for guessing the lacto-orientated song that inspired those lines)

Here’s the limerick:

A cyclist raised his arms to the sky
When he won his first race then let fly
The cork from its bottle,
Which hit him full throttle,
How’s that for one in the eye!

Occasional Limericks Only #17

A walk in the woods

A limerick for National Limerick Day inspired by yesterday’s dog walk with Callie through Tollohill Woods (NB the video may not play in the subscriber notification; however, it should be viewable on the original blog post)…

A collie decided to frolic,
To run and to jump and to rollick.
The dappled sunlight
Made her zoomies ignite
Amidst scenery oh-so bucolic!

… and “yes”, pedants, I know that woodlands are sylvan and not bucolic, but the views from the western margins of Tollohill Wood are truly bucolic, as in the pic, below:

Occasional Limericks Only #16

A walk in the pork

Some lines inspired by a recent article in the Graun…

Although Rome is a place you’d adore
With cafés and snack bars galore
You should never embark
For a meal in the park
‘Cos picnics can be such a boar!

Occasional Limericks Only #15

News from the Parish Council

I have to hand it to the UK Government’s ‘honourable member’ for Tiverton and Horneyiton for creating a parliamentary first when caught perusing pornography during a parliamentary debate.

Neil Parish MP, for it was he, explained that, originally, he was looking at tractors on his smartphone, but inadvertently opened a porn site.

Such an excuse seems a bit ‘iffy’ to say the least, but he then acknowledged that a subsequent perusal of wanton lewdness was intentional, before resigning his seat in the House.

If such an event is, indeed, a ‘first’ for the House of Commons, it is neverthless underpinned by a more disquieting reality. As reported by the BBC, “56 MPs are under investigation for sexual misconduct, and that includes three of his [Boris Johnson’s] Cabinet ministers”. Fifty six!

Despite that, the Government’s response to the Parish news was inexcusably lame. John Crace, the Graun’s parliamentary sketch writer, put it rather well:

So it was Ben Wallace’s bad luck that he was the minister given the short straw of explaining all this on the morning media round. The defence secretary did not cover himself in glory. A simple “This is unacceptable,” and “All women should be treated with respect,” would have done. Instead he chose to play the “long hours, hard-working, late bars” card. As if that was somehow an excuse and any man who worked late and then went to the pub couldn’t help but revert to a naturally sexist self. Clearly some MPs must congratulate themselves for getting through the day without sexually harassing anyone.

Here’s the limerick:

An MP it seems tried to peer
At a rather attractive John Deere
– An American tractor –
But was shocked by an actor
In tumescent flagrente, t’would appear

Occasional Limericks Only #14

You wait ages…

… for a willy limerick (see previous post) then another one arrives soon after!

My excuse is that although I didn’t see much of the Winter Olympics, I did see the following news article…

Bizarrely, on reading the complete article, you find out that it was the second time it had happened to him – some folk just don’t learn, do they?

Here’s the limerick…

A skier who was ever so Nordic,
Loved the cold, in fact he adored it.
But his willy then froze
Which was not what he chose
‘Cos he then ended up with a sore dick!

Occasional Limericks Only #13

A hard sell…

One of you lovely readers (yes, there is more than one) challenged me to come up with a more traditional ‘double entendre’ limerick, so here are some non-biographical lines inspired by the multitude of adverts that populate the minor TV channels and their apparent preoccupation with, er, dysfunctional males:

A lothario felt nothing but strife
When his pecker lost interest in life
But the cure that he chose
Was a Viagra dose
Which must have been hard on his wife!

I’ll get my coat…

Occasional Limericks Only #12

I’ll have to hurry you…

So, Bamber Gascoigne has died at the grand old age of 87. I remember him as the oddly-named question master of University Challenge who presided over the TV show throughout my childhood and youth, so it has come as a bit of a surprise that his first name was the altogether more prosaic Arthur!

He was the originator of a number of quiz-orientated catchphrases such as Fingers on buzzers, please and No conferring as well as a couple of others on show in this post. Moreover, as has been said elsewhere, you really believed that he could answer all the questions himself – unlike Jeremy Paxman, his successor, who carries what appears to be a mock intellectual air about him.

Bamber Gascoigne (centre) along with my alma mater’s University Challenge winning team of 1983. I’d graduated a year before and can’t say that I knew any of the team well, if at all. Peter Burt (seated right) studied zoology like me and was clearly more learned, but then again, he didn’t represent Scottish Universities at rugby (haha, see postscript here: https://blog.piscibus.com/a-limerick-a-week-131)

… and this is the limerick

Bamber was one of those men
Whose name, every now and again,
Brought a smile to your face,
But has now left this place
‘Cos he’s run out of starters for ten

Occasional Limericks Only #11

Inside every old person…

…is a young person wondering what happened – Terry Pratchett.

Here are some lines inspired by (i) an Instagram post that I recently saw and (ii) a one hour metcon circuit session today, followed by a 45 minute spin class followed by a 30 minute jog…

My mind thinks I’m still twenty five
But my body is sure that I’ve
Got a mind that’s insane
Cos it fills me with pain
When I try to engage overdrive!

The aforementioned Instagram post was more explicit:

My mind thinks I’m still twenty five. My body thinks my mind’s a f*****g idiot!

Occasional Limericks Only #10

In a mad world, only the mad are sane – Akira Kurosawa

The pic below is of a Hillside Dalbury mini-campervan conversion by Hillside Leisure based in Derby. It’s price in 2016 when new, would be ca. £28k.

The model, below, is also a Hillside Dalbury mini-campervan (new in 2016 as well) and is for sale, second hand, in 2022 with 31,660^* miles on the clock…

Any guesses as to the asking price?

Well, it is currently advertised by Harbour Creek Motorhomes for £33,995! That’s nearly £6k more than its original price (model specs are similar).

Seemingly, it’s all down to a shortage of semiconductors for new vehicles, Nissan’s decision to cease production the NV200 a couple of years ago (it’s the Dalbury’s base vehicle) and the so-called ‘staycation’ boom. But … even allowing for any discount on the used van’s purchase price, say £2k, it appears that the world has gone mad!

Here’s the limerick…

A campervan buyer was heard
To complain that things were absurd.
Supply and demand
Had got out of hand
And his purchase would now be deferred.

^* the mileage has been excluded from the advert since I first saw it – don’t ask me why!

Postscript: ‘No’, I’m not selling mine!