Tag: Jokes

A limerick a week #79

How discomknockerated I am!

So, Sir Ken Dodd has died at the age of 90. There’s been enough media tributes paid to him since he ‘passed on’, so I shall add only a soupçon.

I don’t think there is anyone else that could have succeeded with his outrageous defence against criminal tax evasion charges yet retain such widespread popular affection, let alone be knighted subsequently. What a guy! And what a funny man.

In a way, it was the constant stream of jokes that got you laughing. On its own, this is amusing, but no more: “By jove, missus! What a wonderful day to run to the Kremlin and knock on its door and ask ‘Is Lenin?’“, but in the midst of an avalanche of one-liners, it made me laugh out loud.

Anyway, I tried to encapsulate his humour (and tax affairs) in this week’s ALAW. I couldn’t manage it with just one limerick so I resorted to two.

The first is a bit contrived to fit in to Dodd’s “By jove, Missus!” routines that usually expressed “What a wonderful day it is to…” before being rounded off with “How’s that for a…”. (Dodd’s humour was in filling-in the gaps in a surreal way).

Here it is:

By jove, Missus! What a wonderful day
To look in a coffin and say:
“It’s short of a body,
So let’s stuff it with Doddy!”
How’s that for a new hideaway?

and here’s t’other:

By jove, Missus! What a wonderful day
To knock on a coffin and say:
Is this the one Ken’s in?
‘Cos I think I’m sensing
It’s not cash that he’s now stashed away!

Sir Ken. Not just a clown-come-tax-evader, but also a reflective scholar of humour. He made me laugh (a lot).

Tatty Bye!

Forever Jung …

Berger and Wyse made me laugh this week with this offering:

Postscript: B&W’s moth and psychiatrist cartoon reminds me of a moth and podiatrist shaggy dog story that turned up on YouTube a couple of year’s ago. It made me laugh as well and seems now to be known simply as ‘Norm Macdonald’s moth joke’. You can find it here.

A limerick a week #44

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Dr …

Well, well, well! Hasn’t the decision to cast a woman as the latest incarnation of Doctor Who rattled the sullen cages of a few social media fogeys! Of course, it’s not the first occasion that a Time Lord has regenerated as a Time Lady …

Dalek: You are a Time Lord?
Missy: Time ‘Lady’, thank you. Some of us can afford the upgrade.

As I recall, ‘Missy as Master’ rattled cages too, but Michelle Gomez’s character has since been the highlight of every episode that she’s appeared in! That makes it even more ridiculous for the fictional concept of a bi-cardiac regenerative male anthropoid (in a time-travelling police box somehow bigger inside than out) to be considered rational to some folk who then throw their toys out of the Tardis because they consider the female equivalent to be irrational.

Such griping sounds like sanctimonious bollocks to me, so, given the Tardis has finally arrived in the 21st century …

Reactionary ‘broflakes’ apart
The rest of us now can take heart
That the antediluvian
World of the Whovian
Has a Doctor Who’s state of the art!

Postscript: I was going to tell you a time-travel joke, but you didn’t get it.

Quotes that made me laugh #30

What’s religion got to do with it?

A pair of Saint Johnstone footballers were sent off a couple of days ago for fighting each other instead of playing the opposition. So that’s at least two sinners in a team whose nickname is the ‘Saints’. Sadly, we shall never know what their manager thought of it because in keeping with the scriptural theme of saints and sinners, his comment was:

“The referee has said they were both sent off for violent conduct so obviously he feels he has made the right decision but I haven’t seen it with my own eyes so I am not going to comment on heresy”.

(I know! It’s poor sub-editing and not a quote, but it still made me laugh😎).

Postscript: Years ago I heard Emo Philips tell a ‘heresy-themed’ joke on the TV. I loved it for its softly stated and sublime ridiculing of dogmatic puritanism and bigotry in religions, but could never remember enough different Baptist sects to tell it the way he did. So with the help of Dr Google here it is …

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What denomination?” He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too!” Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic” and pushed him over.