And there it was… Gone!

So it came to pass…

My dog, @calliebordeaux, nicked half a roast beef joint a couple of days ago and made short work of eating it all before anyone noticed.

I was a bit concerned because the joint had been wrapped in string netting and I wasn’t sure whether it would ‘pass’ naturally. (I’ve watched too many vet programmes in which dogs have had things they’d eaten surgically removed!)

And would madam like dessert?

I needn’t have worried. The first ‘morning after’ poop made it look as if Callie needed to be wormed as a few little bits of nematode-like string were apparent. The next ‘episode’ clearly showed the presence of netting – a parcel wrapped stool!

Anyway, it spawned a bonus limerick:

The roast that my dog ate was wrapped
In netting and quite neatly packed,
But the string made me fret
Should I call out the vet
Or just look for it each time she crapped?

A limerick a week #254

🎶Raindrops keep falling on my head🎶

My young border collie doesn’t like getting wet and is certainly not a fan of heavy rain (despite being a four seasons breed!). She was distraught this week when the fine weather broke and the heavens opened.

Why does it always rain on me…

That’s when you discover how irksome it can be that an energetic, outdoor-loving and highly active pooch can prefer to remain indoors when it rains, but refuses then to adopt the altogether less-wearing persona of a calm and peaceful companion dog.

Anyway, despite her protestations, needs must, so she was walked in the rain and has, no doubt, been plotting her revenge ever since.

A young dog once thought it remiss
Of its owner to simply dismiss
Its pleaful refrain
To stay out of the rain
When ‘il pleut comme une vache qui pisse!’

A limerick a week #239

Everything’s in ordure

My (current) favourite dog walking area has the terrific advantage of being a sheep-free zone. The obvious benefit is that dogs can run off-lead without any concerns about sheep worrying. The less obvious advantage is that it prevents my Border Collie, @calliebordeaux, from indulging in one of her favourite-but-gross pastoral activities; eating sheep sh*t.

Unfortunately, horse riders can also use the woodland tracks and that means there are occasional piles of horse poo to negotiate. Horse poo is also a savoury delight according to Callie, but such piles are usually obvious enough to be seen in time for me to distract her with a treat before she can indulge her gastronomic passion.

On a recent walk, however, I was talking to a friend and failed to see Callie head towards a heap of it. Too late, I saw her chomping down on some, but what was most galling wasn’t the act itself, but the knowing and wholly gratuitous way that she looked at us afterwards as she gleefully licked her lips. Double gross!

Callie relives the moment on a subsequent foray into the forest!

When your supply of sheep sh*t runs dry
There’s alternatives on which to rely
So don’t cash in your chips
Why not just lick your lips
‘Cos horse poo will help you get by!

Postscript: like some others, this week’s ALAW requires an accompanying narrative for it to make any kind of sense. But some of them can be tweaked to remove any need for context and can be read standalone. This week’s is a good example, ergo…

When your supply of tequila runs dry
There’s alternatives on which to rely
So don’t cash in your chips
Why not just lick your lips
‘Cos absinthe will help you get by!

A limerick a week 234

Callie – a weapon of mass eruption

Having spent a sleepless 48 hours nursing a dog with rampant diarrhoea and cleaning up and hosing her down after each episode (fourteen in all!), I hope you’ll forgive the base nature of this week’s ALAW.

But wait, there’s more…

I just had to get it out of my system (as, clearly, did Callie!).

A collie with runaway squits
Had no care as to what she emits,
But she’d later confess
That the faecal excess
Arose from a case of the sh*ts!

A limerick a week #227

Let sleeping dogs repose...

On Firstborn getting out of bed in the small hours to re-fill her water bottle, inadvertently allowing @calliebordeaux to escape from the kitchen, climb the stairs, and recline upon a pre-warmed bed…

There once was a man whose young daughter
Got up in the night for some water
To their dog’s immense glee
‘Cos her bed was now free
To climb in, when it shouldn’t have ought ter!

A limerick a week #222

Melancholy Callie

Words inspired by @calliebordeaux and her mournful look after I brought her home from the vet yesterday…

A young dog, so badly betrayed,
Told the world she was really dismayed
And felt discontent
‘Cos she didn’t consent
To be sent to the vet to be spayed.

@calliebordeaux feeling understandably sorry for herself and, no doubt, pretty pi**ed off with me…

Postscript: On a seasonal note, it’s Christmas. That means it’s beholden on me to take some of the joy out of your merriment (again!) by once more drawing attention to the tragic tale of young Lovell’s Christmas bride. Go on, remind yourself – you know you want to – it’s here.

A limerick a week #212

The Traveling Dogburys

I can’t abide dog owners that don’t clean up their dog’s mess and I really cannot understand those that do bag it up, but then leave the bag lying around or even hanging off a bush. I mean, why?

{start virtue signalling}
All of which explains why I took a 34 mile round trip to retrieve a bag of doggy-dos that I had inadvertently left behind after one of @calliebordeaux‘s agility classes. I’d put it down by the side of my van while I gave her some water and then promptly forgot about it until I arrived home. Cue a return trip to recover it.
{end virtue signalling}

As well as not understanding some dog owners, there are times that I don’t understand my pup either. She loves to get out and about, but always pretends not to whenever she sees me with her lead and harness.

And then there are her, erm, toileting habits. Most dogs seem to leave a single pile of muck, but not mine. Oh no. She goes walkabout and leaves a trail of messages, each of which needs to be spotted if they’re to be bagged. Still, it has inspired this…

There once was a young puppy who
Had bowels that were somewhat askew.
So she ‘held on’ until
She couldn’t stand still
Then set off on a travelling poo.

A limerick a week #207

Hot under the collar

All elective veterinary procedures were in abeyance when my pup was due to be spayed earlier this year. That meant we’d have to live with her going through a second ‘season’ before she could be neutered and, lo and behold, that season is well and truly upon us now.

Several dogs have made overtures but you could tell it was getting serious when she was pursued by an elderly and extremely overweight labrador in the park yesterday.

Marley in hot pursuit…

Marley, for it was he, pants even when walking slowly, so the sight and sounds of him struggling to catch up with a young border collie that was intent on giving him the elbow was something to behold as well as a coronary concern for the adipose old canine.

Anyway, there will be no more off-lead encounters for now and ‘walkies’ at quiet times only. Her ‘young dog’ training class might be fun for the next couple of weeks though!

Here’s the limerick:

A dog was once heard to intone
That she’d rather stay home on her own.
The obvious reason?
She’s come into season
And the boys wouldn’t leave her alone!