LanterneRouge

Quotes that made me laugh #29

You shouldn’t laugh about such things, I know, but …

After a recent health scare my 89-year-old mother was opining on the frailties of old age and the experiences of a late lamented friend:

“… but Maisie’s urinary infection was the worst. And then she fell down the stairs and broke her neck which didn’t help”.

A limerick a week #26

Making an exhibition of myself …

Coming to you earlier in the week than normal, but as this week’s limerick is about the current Gray’s School of Art short-course student exhibition then it seems about right …

I’ve got some B&W film photographs in the exhibition, including one of Firstborn and me, hence:

A reminder that no-one’s prohibited!
So turn up and don’t feel inhibited
From viewing the show
‘Cos now you all know
That ‘Firstborn and me’ are exhibited!

‘Firstborn and me’, centre stage on one of the walls!

The exhibition runs from Monday 13 March to Tuesday 21 March with the following opening hours:

Monday to Friday:       9am – 10pm
Saturday:                       9am – 6pm
Sunday:                          9am – 3pm

and encompasses Portfolio, Drawing, Printmaking, Painting, Photography, Jewellery, Ceramics, Fashion, Printed Textiles, Kilt Making and 3d Design Make.

It’s really not bad at all for a bunch of enthusiasts!

A limerick a week #25

So long and thanks for all the fish …

I saw this campaign poster in the press recently, exhorting the Thomas Cook group to stop promoting ‘swim with dolphin’ events on its package holidays. In many instances the dolphins are captive animals in marinas. Pretty disgraceful really, so it’s a serious limerick this week.

“For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.” Douglas Adams – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

So:

I really agree with the notion
That it’s time to set wheels into motion
To close down the shows
Because everyone knows
That dolphins belong in the ocean!

… you can, of course, be otherwise entertained on your holidays by members of your family acting as surrogate dolphins!

Here we have Firstborn encouraging ‘Flipper’ to jump over an obstacle:

“Squeal, squeal, squeak?” “What’s that, Flipper? No, of course you’re not the only albino dolphin!”

“The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the ‘Star Spangled Banner’.” Douglas Adams.

“Squeeaaal, squeeeaak, squeak, squeal??!!!!!” “Of course I won’t post this picture Flipper. Honest!”

“… and just remember it’s the head end that you’re supposed to blow bubbles from!”

(No sprats, sardines or spouses were injured in the making of this montage)

A limerick a week #24

La La Land – The ~~Musical~~ Debacle

We can now add PWC, the ‘professional services’ group, to the list of folk that couldn’t organise a p**s-up in a brewery – sorry, an Oscars ceremony in LA. Some professionalism. Some service. At least they’ve admitted guilt; a sort of Mia culpa!

So this is for them:

Now the sun’s finally set on the Oscars
‘Tis Moonlight the movie that prospers,
Because PWC
Screwed-up big-time, you see,
Leaving La La Land as impostors.

Emma tells Ryan “It’s just like Donald said – Moonlight only won because millions of ‘illegals’ voted!”

Quotes that made me laugh #28

So, Jimmy Kimmel hosted the Oscars ceremony last night and used the occasion to continue his ‘feud’ with Matt Damon.

I didn’t watch the ceremony, but loved one of the lines he was later reported to have used against Damon:

“He has almost no discernible talent, but it works”.

Now who does that remind me of at my work?

A limerick a week #23

On the occasion of POTUS’ latest gabshite utterances …

There’s no refugee crimewave in Sweden
So it’s hardly a problem that’s need’n’
That comb-over chump
AKA ‘Walloper’ Trump
To lie to his minions, or mislead ’em.

The Scots terms, above, are taken from the description of POTUS in Lorna Wallace’s epic portrayal of him as “a tangerine gabshite walloper”.

(For those needing help with the language, gabshite refers to someone mouthing-off loudly on a subject (s)he knows nothing about and walloper is a slang term for a limp dick. Seems about right.)

A sad reflection …

… from the Graun:

Quotes that made me laugh #27

The actor/singer/producer Paul Nicholas has had an astonishingly full and varied career from the 1960s to date. His recent tongue-in-cheek quote on being an ageing star made me laugh:

“I used to get young girls hanging around the stage door, now it’s women in their 60s and 70s. You have to walk quite slowly when you’re being stalked these days.”

A limerick a week #22

A contemplative rhyme for Kratos, my Ice Cream Buddy’s rabbit, on his recent visit to the vet:

‘Tis the end now of Kratos’s rollicking
Adventure of love, lust and frolicking.
In the worst of all spectacles
He lost both his testicles
When Anna arranged his de-bollocking!

Kratos looks sad, doesn’t he, so here’s a joke to cheer him up Q: Are a rabbit’s testicles expensive? A: No. They’re just under a buck! (or, in his case, they were until last week)

Perspectives on cycling #1

In 2012 Beatrix Campbell was in the World Pride Power List of the 100 most influential gay people of the year and is a self-styled “republican with politics rooted in Marxism and feminism”. Although she is not a person without flaws, I was impressed that she had this to say about cycling:

“In the context of the great debates about identity politics – are you gay or straight, nationalist or republican, British or English and so on – I would ask, “Do you ride a bike?”

Of course I do!