Quotes that made me laugh #52

Paws for thought…

As we are nearing D-day (Dog-day, that is) and the prospect of housing and training a border collie pup morphs into reality, we were keen to watch Puppy School, a programme that was ostensibly about dealing with certain puppy-related behavioural issues. Except it wasn’t, it was mostly about their idiot owners and we learned nothing except ‘don’t be an idiot’.

On reading a review of the programme, I came across this wee gem from the Graun’s Tim Dowling; the quote that made me laugh:

Along the way the viewer is provided with some basic dog training tips by the experts. In order to keep control of your dog in the park, they suggest that you “be really fun to be around”. Yeah, thanks – if I could manage that, I wouldn’t need a puppy in the first place.

It reminded me of a former colleague’s humorous-but-heartfelt comment after a number of lasses visited his office in succession on the day he first brought his young dog to work…

If I’d known a dog could have that effect, then maybe my teenage years wouldn’t have been so lonely!

Sadly for him, managers soon reminded staff that you were not allowed to take your dog to work. Shame really, ‘cos his was a from a working breed.

A limerick a week #99

The dunny’s done-in (or “Wor netty’s knackered, but you should see the size of the rhubarb!”)

Short and sweet this week ‘cos I’m not proud of it. (Haha! Of course I am, and it’s anapestically correct as well).

A ditty inspired by a friend’s lavatorial break down:

A. A. Milne thought he knew what to do
When he found that he’d broken his loo.
He just said: “Oh, f**k it!”
And peed in a bucket,
But what happened to Winnie the Pooh?

You’re welcome!

Quotes that made me laugh #49

When I was a kid my dad used to take me to watch Kendal United play football. That was because a doctor had told my folks that, as an ill child, I needed lots of fresh air.

I was probably about six when I came home after one game and asked mum “How old do you have to be before you can swear?”. Her reply was “You’re never old enough!” and that was when I ratted on him: “But daddy swore today!”. (I think he’d said ‘bloody’ – serious stuff, eh?)

Karma came back and bit me on the a**e many years later when I momentarily forgot The Tall Child was in the car when, in complete exasperation at the antics of a lorry driver, I less-than-silently mouthed “Oh, for f**k’s sake!”. It didn’t take long before I was ratted-out in turn when we returned home: “Mum! Dad said the F word!”.

And that is why I laughed out loud when I read the BTL comments that followed the online Graun’s review of Harlequins’ poor showing in rugby’s Aviva Premiership this year. It’s the last line that made me chuckle …

Quotes that made me laugh #48

So whose fault was it?

John Barclay, Scotland’s rugby captain, plays his club rugby professionally in Wales. Consequently he was at his home in south Wales when a minor earthquake hit it last week. His comment made me laugh:

It was scary, I didn’t know what was going on. My five-year-old ran through and said ‘it wasn’t me dad’.

Aftershocks were felt in Edinburgh a few days layer as Barclay led his Scottish team to a well-deserved, victory over England!

Apparently it was not clear which fault had caused the less-than-earth-shattering ‘quake, possibly because no-one could pronounce it. Most reports from outside Wales said the epicentre was near Swansea, when really it struck directly below Cwmllynfell 👀