Category: Humour

Quotes that made me laugh #36

From the horse’s mouth …

A lovely quote from the late Jeff Astle, former West Brom and England footballer, as re-told by Geoff Hurst recently in the Scottish Daily Record (a lot of ‘context’ first, but well worth reading through to the punchline)  …

“What a fantastic guy Jeff was – a real character. We were in the England squad together for the 1970 World Cup in Mexico, which is 5000ft above sea level. The squad was there about seven or eight days and the Duke of Edinburgh was also over playing polo against the Mexicans. He indicated via his equerry that he wanted to see us after training.

We were playing Brazil at noon so were training at 12 o’clock in preparation for that. When the duke turned up after training and all 22 of us were lined up, he started walking along and talking to the players. But he got to the end and Jeff was slumped over a chair in a state of huge distress.

So the equerry says, ‘What’s the problem?’ Jeff replied, ‘We’ve only been here for about 10 days, we’re acclimatising, it’s 105 degrees on the thermometer there and I’m just absolutely knackered.’

He said, ‘The Duke’s been here two weeks, he’s played six or seven games of polo and he’s not reported any signs of struggling physically.’

Jeff looked up and said, ‘Have you asked how his f*****g horse feels?’”

Give me strength! B****y Anne’s gone off with the bleedin’ horse again!

What’s in a name?

Sizergh Castle is a National Trust property near my childhood hometown of Kendal. I’ve known of it for decades and always thought the family that owned it from the 13th century until the 1950s was the Stricklands. However, I now know differently, at least for the latter years of the family’s history.

It seems they adopted a double-barrelled name in the 20th century. Consequently, this line from the family’s Wikipedia entry rather amused me when considering the phenomenon of nominative determinism:

“Their first daughter married Henry Hornyold [and] became known as Mrs Hornyold-Strickland …”

A Hornyold-Strickland

I could write the script myself …

Libidinous gentleman: “I say m’dear, are you one of the Hornyold-Stricklands?”

Prim young lady: “Oh no, sir. I’m chaste. ‘Tis my sister I think you’re after.“

Quotes that made me laugh #34

Do these shorts make my …

I don’t know about you, but if I was referring to the different perceptions you get when looking at a tall, hefty bloke in baggy shorts and a loose-fitting t-shirt compared to his appearance when booted and suited, I would probably say something like:

“It’s interesting how that outfit makes him look slimmer.”

What I wouldn’t say is what my 89-year-old mother uttered:

“When he has trousers on he looks normal, but when he takes them he off looks huge.”

Quotes that made me laugh #32

I’m not a great fan of the comedian Frankie Boyle, but I did chuckle at his description of the UK Prime Minister, Theresa May, on a recent edition of the TV show ‘Have I Got News For You’:

“Theresa May looks like the colour grey didn’t care whether you lived or died.”

{This was posted in the spirit of gender and colour balance cf my reference in an earlier post to Lorna Wallace’s description of POTUS as a “Tangerine gabshite walloper”}

 

Technology – giving it the finger!

When your phone uses fingerprint recognition to unlock the screen, it’s at times like this …

… that you wish you could remember your back-up password 😁

Postscript: ‘Twas Good Friday yesterday, so here (and only one day late) are my hot cross buns …

(No elastoplasts were involved in the making of these buns, the finger had healed by then. I’d also forgotten just how satisfying it is to knead dough properly – I’d learned last year at Bread Ahead in Borough Market and I’m hoping to return there to do their boulangerie workshop -Complete French Baking –  later this year).

Banter and Bollocks

I recently read an article on idioms from foreign languages that, when translated, seem to have no obvious meaning in one’s own language. One of the examples came from Sweden: att glida in på en räkmacka that translates literally as: to slide in on a shrimp sandwich and which seemingly refers to a person that didn’t have to work to get to where they are.

And this is where I need your help! A short while ago I read about an old bit of RAF banter. It made me laugh out loud, but I haven’t a clue what it means. Any suggestions are welcome. Here it is:

‘An insult’s an insult, but a chair leg up the a**e – that’s furniture!‘

Quotes that made me laugh #30

What’s religion got to do with it?

A pair of Saint Johnstone footballers were sent off a couple of days ago for fighting each other instead of playing the opposition. So that’s at least two sinners in a team whose nickname is the ‘Saints’. Sadly, we shall never know what their manager thought of it because in keeping with the scriptural theme of saints and sinners, his comment was:

“The referee has said they were both sent off for violent conduct so obviously he feels he has made the right decision but I haven’t seen it with my own eyes so I am not going to comment on heresy”.

(I know! It’s poor sub-editing and not a quote, but it still made me laugh😎).

Postscript: Years ago I heard Emo Philips tell a ‘heresy-themed’ joke on the TV. I loved it for its softly stated and sublime ridiculing of dogmatic puritanism and bigotry in religions, but could never remember enough different Baptist sects to tell it the way he did. So with the help of Dr Google here it is …

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What denomination?” He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too!” Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic” and pushed him over.